I have decided that one cannot be completely comfortable when following one’s calling. Some of the most interesting things in life is figuring out that you settled or possibly are presently in the process of settling. Often life will give you a nasty jolt to try and put you back into line. Or at least wake you up. Not to sound all mystical or anything but perhaps things happen for a reason and it behooves us to take a step back and consider what this event is trying to tell us. Often we try to ignore it and keep on because surely what I really feel I am called to do is too risky and I couldn’t possibly do it. Better to stay safe and do what everyone else is.
But…I’m not everyone else.
Perhaps it’s not simply that Julia at work doesn’t like you and has something against you. Her not liking you *could* be true but maybe the fall out of her actions against you aren’t what you need to focus on. Life moves in patterns and I find that I’m often removed or jolted from where I am if I’m no longer called to be there. OR if I am TOO comfortable there and not doing what I’m supposed to do. I have a goal, something I need to do and I’m, frankly, lazy about carrying it out.
That’s not it.
I’m not lazy. Not usually, anway. I really think it’s more of a matter of being afraid. I’m scared that I don’t have what it takes to deliver the idealized results I’m looking for. So I keep trying to learn things and put off what I feel the truest part of me would be happiest (or at least content) doing. I’m hyper critical of anything I produce. And often times the things that I do put an effort into doing I get so frustrated with it not “good enough” I often just let things fall by the wayside.
This is particularly bad because even when it’s things I *really* enjoy doing I stop because I don’t feel like I’m good enough. And I’m not sure where this need for perfection came from. It’s odd because it’s not crippling except in areas that really matter to me personally. As if I would be disrespecting the task/job/ game by not doing it as well as someone else.
Unfortunately this become a never ending cycle as by NOT doing the very thing I don’t feel I’m good enough to do~ I don’t get better at it! If I don’t get better at it I then feel never good enough…
This alone is my ongoing battle with the fighting game genre. I actually kinda enjoy it…but suck and I’m too self conscious about it to play with others. I’m also too hard on myself that I never see any progress. Right now I’m a button masher supreme in them. I can see patterns and what I need to do…getting my fingers to do that in the right order though…
Anyway, you get the picture.
So the question is: How do I fix this?
How do I get beyond myself to such an extent that I begin to make progress? HOw do I prevent myself from backsliding? Keep myself motivated?
The answer is simple and uncomfortable. It’s to do what you feel you are supposed to do even if it’s not “right” in your eyes. Why? Because it makes you happy. If it’s not harming or putting people down, I’d say the worst that could happen is you get better. You might have haters and frankly you might suck. Heck I’ve just admitted that I’m going to start out sucking.
But I refuse to stay there. Even if the steps are small and uncomfortable, I’m going to take steps towards what I feel is my Calling.
This is but the first.
But not the last.